The grief of having what you want
The part that no one talks about is the grief that comes when you finally become the person who can have everything you desire. The grief that comes with having what you want.
With no longer having to struggle or fight or people-please or appease. No longer having to claw my way through the muck of life, or trudge for days through a desert. No longer siloing my heart to heal in isolation.
The grief that comes when things are just… easy. Simple. Peaceful. Joyful, even.
Does it seem paradoxical? It is. But it’s also the most natural and obvious next thing. The part of me that spent years playing small, appeasing, armored, and masked is no longer running the show. Her tricks no longer work. There is no more playing small, or getting away with running a pattern, or pushing my feelings aside. Of course she is grieving all the things that are no longer true. But this grief is a purifying one.