Surrendering to the call
Things are peaceful in a way that, only just a few years ago, I was desiring, hoping for, visioning
3 years ago, I was quarantined in a tiny Queens apartment feeling burnt out, stuck, anxious, frenetic, and tight. I remember being on a call with a dear friend who said to me, “Right now, your home bases are fear, scarcity, and tightness.” And it was true.
At the time, I was a 24-year-old who had spent the three years prior to 2020 in transformative growth courses, learning how to heal, express, drop into vulnerability and connection, and melt some of my icy layers. In the four years prior to that, I spent in therapy painstakingly peeling back the instability of my childhood.
And yet, I was slow to integrate the pearls of wisdom, living between a rock (my avoidant patterns) and a hard place (forcing myself into a shape that no longer fit).
In August 2020, I turned 25 and moved out of my tiny apartment and into a new one. It was a dream — three massive windows, space to stretch in my room, roof access, fantastic roommates. Truly, it was a space I had visions of, my dream apartment come to life.
I was hoping (and fantasizing) that moving into this new spot would alleviate my stuckness and burnout, but alas, expecting something external to save you is a recipe for disaster.